As I watch a report on the devastating effects of guided Russian bombs, which have reduced many houses to debris, I turn to Zhenya and say, “If a bomb hits us, it has been an honor to meet you.” We are in the midst of the “great battle for Donetsk,” a conflict that is taking a heavy toll on the environment and the people involved. The soil is polluted with heavy metals, and the air is filled with the smell of smoke and burning cigarettes.
Zhenya, a 35-year-old voluntary military personnel who now works for military television, adjusts his bulletproof vest and helmet in the middle of the night. He fills his tactical backpack with automatic movements, preparing for our journey from the relatively safe Kramorsk to different points on the front lines. We will be traveling under the cover of darkness, which offers us some protection from being seen by the enemy. However, with the Russian army advancing, the risk of dying on each mission is increasing.
As we move through the trenches, I am reminded that dying from a guided bomb is often seen as a quick and painless way to go. However, the reality is that no one can survive a 500-kilogram bomb, regardless of whether they are in a bunker or a basement. The thought of disintegrating into molecules is a terrifying one, and it is a constant fear for those of us on the front lines.
Zhenya’s destiny today is Pokrovsk, a strategic city in Donetsk that is gradually being closed in on by Putin’s army. Just a year ago, this city was a haven of normality amidst the chaos of war. Now, I have seen a WhatsApp video showing the mall, once full of life, reduced to a carbonized and soot-blackened shell. The building in front of it is on fire, and the sidewalk is littered with debris.
Like many soldiers here, Zhenya is exhausted – not just physically, but also emotionally. The constant losses, fires, and explosions have taken a toll on his mental health. In a bunker, during a bombing, a young soldier from the 5th Assault Brigade, known as “Eagle,” tells me, “I am fed up with all this. I don’t care if I die. I’m tired.” The monotony of war, the constant effort to survive, and the feeling of being in danger at all times have become overwhelming.
As we travel to Konstiantynivka, I make a cynical joke about Pokrovsk being in flames. Our driver, Roman, a 23-year-old from Pokrovsk, looks at me with a mixture of shock and disappointment. I realize that my comment was insensitive, especially given that Roman’s family is from Pokrovsk and he has a personal connection to the city. He tells me that his family has moved to Dnipro, but he knows every street in Pokrovsk, having spent his childhood there.
Roman’s story is a tragic reminder of the human cost of war. Despite his brave exterior, he is struggling to come to terms with the loss of his hometown. As we say our goodbyes, he gives me a patch with the drawing of his car and his nickname, “Student.” The explosions are getting closer, and the front lines are no longer far away.
Suddenly, a bomb explodes just 500 meters from us, sending a dense cloud of smoke into the air. The metal brightness attracts a flock of black crows, which take flight in terror. In the distance, a cemetery can be seen on the horizon. Eagle, Kira’s partner, jokes, “If we die, they can bury us right here.” The soldiers smile, but the joke is a stark reminder of the reality of war.
We take shelter in a bunker, which is wide and warm, with a bright blue garland that adds a touch of humor to the otherwise bleak surroundings. The soldiers have their own scale to rate the bunkers, and this one deserves an “8” – it is spacious, warm, and can withstand 120-caliber bombings. As we wait out the bombing, the soldiers consume cigars slowly, a habit that provides a connection to reality and helps them handle the stress of war.
Kira, a specialist in Air Defense, has been at war for three years, and it has taken a toll on his mental health. He is exhausted, and his phone is constantly ringing. For him, the “historical moment” of the war is not about grand gestures or heroic acts, but about the endless calls, the monotony, and the routine of war. His indifference to the danger surrounding him is reflected in his behavior – he moves on the front lines without a vest or helmet, and his reaction to explosions is unwavering silence.
Kira’s story is a testament to the human cost of war. He has reasons to live – his fiancée awaits him, whom he has not seen in seven months. Every free moment he has is dedicated to talking to her, and she is sentenced to wait and uncertainty, while the fate of the region and the country is decided. As Svetlana, 32, tells me through a video call, “As a citizen, I want us to win this war. But as a woman, I want my man to return home.”
The war has also taken a toll on Artem, known as “Pogran,” who began his service in 2014, when the war reached his native region of Lugansk. After years on the front lines, he was injured in a mine, and his wife took care of him until he could walk again. However, he could barely stay away from the war for four months, and his solution to post-traumatic stress disorder was to return to the army. His wife, Svetlana, says that if the conflict is frozen and then resumed, she will not allow him to return to the front lines. “He has given enough for his country. Now we need him at home.”
Eagle, the third member of Kira’s team, does not have anyone waiting for him. He often says that there is no place for love in war, and that it is all about survival. However, as the days go by, he feels the distance between him and the civil world growing. “They don’t understand us,” he says, while lighting another cigarette. The pack reads, “Smoking causes premature aging.” Perhaps it should add, “And war too.”
As I return from the front lines, I call my friend Zhenya and tell him, “If they kill me here, do not write in my necrology that I was crazy. Write that I loved my country and my profession.” Zhenya replies, “Treatment made. Although I always wanted to tell you that it is strange that I have not reached a bomb before. But don’t worry. Everyone here is a bit crazy.” His words are a stark reminder of the reality of war and the sacrifices that soldiers make for their country.