Toxic relationships are evaluated from a legal point of view, if there is a crime, or medically, if there is disorder, but in reality, the key is in how we feel.
What is a toxic relationship? Of course, if there is physical or psychological abuse, but with the advent of the Internet, many other problematic behaviors have also appeared with English names that nevertheless refer to very real harmful behaviors: ghosts, hauntings, submarines, zombies, slow fading, icing, boiling, countertop, breadcrumbs, orbiting.
In general, behavior is classified as problematic from two approaches: legal and medical, which tell us whether relationships are beneficial or harmful.
The toxic relationship and the problematic legal approach
According to the legal or criminal approach, certain crimes, serious or minor, are sought and the finger is pointed at the “toxic” member of the relationship. The biggest problem with this approach is that it presupposes an intention to harm, control or harm the other. And this is not always the case.
But assuming that the person you have a relationship with has bad intentions behind their actions installs distrust and permanent suspicion…) intentions from us. This is incompatible with the foundation of any relationship: trust.
Does this mean that we should always trust? No, not at all. Malice exists in some relationships, to the point of reaching the outrageous numbers of deaths and assaults that have occurred daily for decades.
The penal view of toxic relationships makes us pay attention to EXTERNAL behavior, and we have to assess whether there is a good or bad intention behind it. If there is bad intent, the relationship is toxic, but if it is without bad intent, then no.
So we find ourselves in an impossible task: knowing for sure what the intention behind someone’s behavior is. Paying attention to external behavior causes us to lose sight of what is most important in the relationship: our own emotions. how am i feeling
Changing the focus to one’s emotions is not something as simple as changing the look, it is not something that can be done from one moment to the next. Sometimes we’ve been aware of other people’s behavior for so long that we forget to identify what we’re feeling.
How do you feel?
When we focus on our own emotions, we sometimes find ourselves fed up, tired, and exhausted. We think this relationship is not doing us any good. It is not necessary to identify the intentions of the other to know if we feel bad.
Of course, there is the possibility of malicious intent, and it is good to know how to identify it. This is what often happens in abuse situations. When someone in this situation recounts their experience, the person listening is aware that they are in the same situation. Suddenly, all those little things he hadn’t related to each other make sense, those emotions and discomforts he couldn’t identify.
But without going to these extreme cases, being a bad person is not a crime. It is also not a crime to be a very boring person, with little initiative or selfishness. Always being late, talking too loud, not cleaning, not taking responsibility for your own tasks and always appealing to the flexibility of others to accept, to the lack of empathy. These behaviors, which we don’t like in a relationship, with few exceptions, are not a crime. It is true that there are some personality traits that can be changed with therapy, but it is important to remember that it is a crime to put someone in therapy against their will.
That’s why it’s so important that we focus on how we feel, even when the other person is behaving with the best of intentions. If we notice that we feel bad, it will lead us to consider changing our relationship or, where appropriate, ending it.
This is especially important for those of us outside the heteronormative, patriarchal, or monogamous norm. Our relationships, practices, situations and identities are not common and we don’t have enough references about what a good relationship is. That’s why it’s essential to maintain connection with our emotions, change the relationship or run if necessary.
The medical approach: problems are diseases
A person or behavior is also often classified as medically toxic. It consists of making life an experience that must be measured according to criteria of normality or pathology, and for which there will always be a medical solution, a pill or a therapy. This causes very common problems that we all encounter sooner or later in our life to turn into diseases.
https://quo.eldiario.es/sexo/q2102826664/sexo-mas-genitales/
Both the criminal and the medical approaches put the responsibility on our shoulders to avoid toxic relationships, to be able to detect them, to advise others, and to save our friends from them.
This sometimes hides the absence of a social structure that prevents these situations from the start: a sex education (which is not just about the genitals) that teaches us to live more comfortably in our relationships and their paradoxical dynamics. Counseling and medical and psychological care guaranteed as a public service. Simple, quick and affordable legal and social solutions for everyone to get out of relationships that aren’t doing them well.
But of course it is much cheaper and more profitable to hold each person accountable for their toxic relationships. And while, at the same time, the public services that provide the care that every human being is entitled to are being dismantled, stigmatized or deprived of resources. But that will be a subject for another article.
Glossary of Toxic Behaviors in Relationships
- Ghost: Ending the relationship abruptly and cutting off all communication without giving signs or explanations, like a ghost that disappears.
- haunted: When a ghosted person re-establishes some subtle contact, such as a like or a comment on social media.
- Submarine: It’s the extreme version of the haunting, the person who disappeared reappears, like a submarine, and re-establishes communication as if nothing had happened.
- Zombie: when a missing ghost returns after many months or years to re-establish communication.
- Orbit: It’s the modern version of ghosting, when the person doesn’t disappear completely, but remains on the victim’s social networks, monitoring what they do, but without establishing a connection.
- Breadcrumbs: with the name of the breadcrumbs of the story of João and Maria, it consists of leaving signs of interest, such as likes or messages, that seem to lead to a relationship, but do not lead to anything.
- Bank: literally, at the bank, when you keep in touch, for example, through breadcrumbs, with someone you have “in reserve”, but with no intention of starting a relationship right away.
- FrostingIt’s not about the icing, it’s about the sweet icing on the cakes, and that happens when someone is being very warm and praising us, but doesn’t really want to invest in a relationship.
- Boiling: Similar to the bench press, is keeping a person on “low heat” as an alternative in case other plans go awry.
- slow fading: Similar to ghosting, but in slow motion, when the person gradually leaves contact, spacing messages more and more.
Photograph: vice